My (Alien) Pet

Charlotte commented on my story and added some helpful comments. This is what she said...

Paragraphs = perfect

Lots of punctuation. All in the right places, lots of ...'s in dramatic places, But i'm not sure if you need the ... after; I spy mum in the kitchen and she said angrily... I don't think you need them there. 4/5.

Your spelling is really good. through is a hard word to spell so it is good that you are able to spell it. I haven't seen any spelling mistakes, so 3/3

Grammar perfect 2/2

I like your choice of words, they make it interesting to read. If you finish this story you could definitely post it to your blog, you would get a lot of comets and views.

8/10 for the descriptive writing. If you add just a little bit more descriptive words then it would be a 10/10

 (Dedicated to addicted Steve!)

An ordinary day playing VR…

I strolled through Corny Complex, Dr Slone, Clones shooting at me. I crouched to get under the vent and then an alien nanite appeared. I ran away, not wanting superpowers, the alien followed me. 

The End…

I took off the Virtual Reality goggles, and walked away when there’s a ‘quir quir.’ I looked around and the same purple alien nanite in the game was there. This is strange I thought, it should be in the game. I walked out the door and slammed it shut. I turned around thinking maybe I should’ve taken it home. I turned around again and then noticed that it was there. I looked at the door and it was shut.

How did it get through?  

Quir, Quir

“Ok I have to go to school but you stay quiet, don’t make a sound or else mum will know you're here.” I say. The alien makes a weird, and quiet noise “quir quir.” I think that means OK. 

Back from school…

As I stepped on the green welcome mat in my house I shouted “I’m home!” I spied mum in the kitchen and she said fiercely: “You need to clean your room, it’s extremely messy. I told you to clean it yesterday.” “I thought I did.” I said. And then I remembered… Oh the mysterious ‘alien’ must’ve messed it up.